PJ and the FeastBarHikeAffair of DOOM!
by podex carmen
Summary: While the gods feast, Percy and friends share a few beers and Drew chases the most recent love of her life, Dark forces gather and Bad Things Happen! Percy faces his Most Dangerous Challenge Yet, or perhaps another normal day.
1. Chapter 1

**Percy Jackson and the Olympian Feast/ Bar/ Nature Hike/ Affair of DOOM!**

**Chapter one**

_*Author's note: I own nothing. Just having some fun in someone else's sandox. Any resemblance to the actual characters is purely accidental. Story takes place some years after the official sotries. Percy et al are in their early to mid twenties, facing life as it comes._

It was said by the ancient Greeks: "Speak of Zeus and hear his thunder." Those who were closer to Zeus than the average mortal had a slightly different saying: "Speak to Zeus and feel his thunder." It seemed to the other gods gathered at the feast that, since Poseidon was doing the first, he was dangerously close to tasting the second.

"Just look at the facts, brother," he said in between biting some meat off his trident. "Titanic. Lusitania. Dona Paz. The Empress of Ireland. The Wilhelm Gustlav. Massive loss of life. Air disasters just don't compare."

"Gustlav and the Lusitania were both torpedoed," interjected Ares. "Therefore, they are more of my domain than yours."

Poseidon glared at him. Ares shrank back to his plate. "I'm just sayin'" he mumbled.

"You have it wrong, Poseidon," Zeus said as he toasted some bread with some lightning from his fingertips. "Air disasters are far more impressive. They almost always involve fire. Do maritime disasters always involve fire and explosions, outside of war? In an air crash people die screaming. Awesome. On a sinking ship people die saying 'glub glub'. Not awesome in the least. I rest my case." He bit into his toast.

Ares mumbled to Hephaestus: "Fire is your thing. Aren't you going to protest?"

"And get tossed off Olympus again?" muttered Hephaestus. "No thanks."

Zeus brushed some crumbs off his beard and reached for another slice of bread. "Now, take the Teneriffe disaster..."

"Oh, pshaw," said Poseidon. "Two planes crashed into each other on the runway due to fog during takeoff. That can hardly be called an 'air' disaster."

Zeus' eyes flashed dangerously as he blasted his toast to ashes. "In that case, what about the Moose Jaw disaster?"

"Moose Jaw Disaster?" asked Poseidon. "Never heard of it. What happened?"

"Lightning struck one of the new mega airbuses, which was loaded to capacity. It exploded in midair. All on board perished spectacularly. And, oh, burning debris rained down on the town, igniting homes and causing dozens, nay, hundreds of deaths on the ground." He began jiving in his chair. "Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Oh yeah, uh-huh. Who has two thumbs and is completely awesome? This god!" He continued dancing in his seat.

"I thought I would have heard about that," said Poseidon. "When did it happen?"

"Just now," said Zeus.

"That's cheating!" shouted Poseidon.

"Show me where it's banned in the rule book," said Zeus smugly. "For that matter, show me a rule book."

"Fine!" huffed Poseidon. "It still doesn't equal the body count of one good sea disaster. Say for example, a cruise ship." His eyes took on a misty and unfocused expression, as though he were in two places at once, which, in fact, he was. "A beautiful cruise ship sailing the Mediterranean sea. The passengers are enjoying a beautiful sunset, the end of another perfect day at sea, and are looking forward to a night of pleasant hedonism, when suddenly- oh no-" -he began waving his trident overhead, as though he were stirring an upside down pot above his head- "-a whirlpool forms underneath the ship, sucking it and all it's passengers and crew to a watery grave." He put down his trident and picked up a leg of beef in front of him. "It would take a collision of six or seven of those mega airbuses to top that." He bit heartily into the leg.

"Oh yeah?" snarled Zeus. Now his eyes took on a misty appearance. "Even as I speak, a freak electrical storm has caused a catastrophic failure in the guidance systems of eight- no, nine- new mega airbuses. Not only that, but strange winds are pushing them all dangerously off course, and against the law of probability, they are all coming together in a single point in space and time...'

"As fascinating as this is," interrupted Hades in a bored voice. "May I say that you are unnecessarily causing me more work? And may I further ask that you refrain from toying with the lives of mortals for the time being?"

"We're not 'toying' with the lives of mortals," protested Zeus.

"Yeah," said Poseidon. "We're ending them. I don't see what your problem is. They were all going to die anyway."

"True," said Hades, "But not all at the same time. This sort of sudden influx of work stresses the staff, makes them testy. People stop dong the paperwork. No one plays with Cerberus. Charon will be whining for a month. So, unless you want me to send you the bill for the overtime this will cost me, I must suggest you stop."

Zeus looked at Hades with a puzzled expression on his face. "Overtime? Since when did you start paying overtime?"

Hades managed to sigh and look irritated at the same time. "It was during the latest contract negotiations with the union," he half snarled. "They completely took me to the cleaners on that one. I had to toss in overtime along with dental and new rubber balls for Cerberus to chew on. I tell you, if I could figure out a way to run the place myself, I'd shove the whole lot of them into Tartarus."

**2. Meanwhile...**

Three bored friends were slowly getting drunk at a bar in the bar of their choice. Had this establishment been given a thorough cleaning, one in which the floors had been scrubbed, the walls cleaned of the top layer or two of crud, the bathrooms sterilized and the cockroaches killed, the place would then be merely disgusting. As it was, there was a layer of filth, dust and worse over everything, including the patrons. The chairs and tables all bore signs of having been smashed, rebuilt, then smashed again, and rebuilt again, and so on. Flies buzzed around the lights in the ceiling. The pool table was the nicest thing in the place, with only two or three rips in the cloth along with a few stains best not mentioned in polite society, and the dart board had been pounded into submission years ago. It was a place no one in their right mind could possibly like.

"I like it here, " said Grover. For the time being he had set aside his large colourful hat, which had made him look something like a Rastafarian. HIs horns stood out proudly on his head for all to see, assuming they hadn't yet drunk themselves blind. In a place like this, that was a very big 'if'.

Travis Stoll removed his fourth beer from the tray of the Harpy waitress as she walked by. As was usual, she noticed nothing. It left her confused and apologetic when she reached the table of the Cyclopes a beer short. The irritated Cyclopes threatened to eat her if she did not get them a new beer, fast. She tripped over a Dryad on her way back to the bar. Travis drank deeply from his beer, then slammed the glass down on the table in front of him. "I've got it!" he announced. "We'll go on a cruise."

"A cruise?" said Percy Jackson.

"Cruise?" said Grover. "Great idea! When do we leave?"

"I didn't mean 'we' as in us," said Travis. "I meant 'we' as in Drew and me."

"Oh," said Grover, dejected. He sat back and started to ponder this new information.

"Oh gods." said Percy, burying his head in his hands. "How often do we have to go through this?"

"It's perfect," said Travis as he took another pull on 'his' beer. "She can't resist. She'll come back to me."

"Have I been speaking to myself? demanded Percy. "She is not only not that into you, she is into practically everyone _but_ you."

"But she says she loves me, sometimes."

"Only when she wants something from you," said Percy.

"Enough of this, said Grover. "Back to this cruise thing. Do you have enough money for us to go? I know you and your brother had a big score last week, Can you still afford to take the three of us?"

"I can't," said Travis. Suddenly, he looked almost sheepish. "I don't have the money any more."

"Why not?" demanded Grover.

"I gave it to Drew," said Travis. "She said she needed a new car."

"By any chance, did she say she loved you just before she asked for the money?" asked Percy.

Travis nodded.

"You're an idiot," Percy took another drink from his can of beer. "You're better off without her. Considering the women you do go after, I'd say you're better off alone. Or gay."

"You done with that?" asked Grover, pointing at Percy's beer can. Percy tossed him the can. Grover began chewing it thoughtfully.

"Easy for you to say," said Travis to Percy. "You and Annabeth are still together with your kids, all... er... How many of them do you have now? Ten? Twelve?"

"Fourteen," snorted Grover. Percy glared at him. "Nine of them are still in diapers."

"Fourteen," whistled Travis. "Someone got bus-say!"

"Shows how much you know," grumbled Percy.

"What d'ya mean?" said Travis. "My education didn't amount to much, but I still know where babies come from."

"Not Annabeth's. You know how Athena gives birth to her brain children?"

Travis nodded.

"Same thing with her daughters. The children are conceived through a 'bonding of minds and souls' or something like that. Now, every time she and I have a deep, meaningful conversation she suddenly says 'ow, I have a headache,' then her head splits open and out pops another kid."

Travis ventured uncertainly: "When you say 'her head splits open', do you mean...?"

"I mean her head splits open. I can see her brains and everything. It's gross."

Travis shivered. "Isn't there anything you can do about it?" he said.

Percy shrugged. "I tried to convince her to take aspirin, but she says nothing doing, I can have my tongue cut out if it's that important."

Travis smirked at Percy, finished off 'his' beer, and pulled another one off the waitress' tray as she was heading back to the Cyclopes' table. "You might wish to be careful doing that here. We're in neutral territory, but it's still a lousy place to start a fight."

Travis merely took a good swig from 'his' beer while the Cyclopes began debating which would be the best way to eat the waitress. "What I want to know is how you support all those kids?"

"It's hell. All I'm good at is monster slaying. Do you know what that pays?" Percy said. "Nothing. All I can do is take trophies and sell them on e-bay."

Travis glanced around nervously. The waitress was nowhere to be seen, and one of the Cyclopes was wiping his mouth. "And you warned me about starting a fight in here."

"Relax," Percy said. "It's just business. I kill them, they reform. Nothing personal. See over there? " He pointed to a minotaur. The minotaur saw him, and raised his glass in Percy's direction. Percy raised his beer back. "I've killed him five or six times already. No hard feelings. Now, stealing someone's beer... that's personal. Where were we?"

"You were saying how hard it is to support your family. " Travis said.

"You're darn right it is," said Percy. "You know how hard it is to find a job? I was kicked out of school twenty times. I barely finished a grade. I can't read. With my ADHD my attention span sucks. I'm always getting distracted, except when I am in battle and whoa! look at that!"

"What about Annabeth?" asked Travis.

"What about her?" said Percy, looking around. "Is she here?"

"Doesn't she work?"

"Work? What?" asked Percy. "Oh, right. Yeah she works. She works all the time, redesigning Olympus and all that. It was her 'reward', remember? Deal is, since it was her 'reward', the gods see no reason to 'reward' her any further, by, like, y'know, paying her."

Grover had been thoughtfully chewing his beer can, a look of concentration on his face, as he drunkenly mulled over some problem. "So let me get this straight," he said at last. "We're _not_ going on a cruise?"

**3. Meanwhile...**

Drew was carefully piloting her new sports car along the road of a suburban village. Well to do, for the most part. She had her cell phone on the seat beside her. It had been another gift from Travis, which she had gotten another time she had said "I love you" to him, and had been rewarded with this phone and a ski trip to Vail, where she'd had a string of lovely affairs with her ski instructors, which ended with three broken hearts and one suicide. Her mother had actually cried a tear when she told her that. "Someone killed themself over you?"' Aphrodite had said, dabbing her eye. "I am so proud of you. My daughter has had her first suicide! May it be the first of many!" The cell phone, however, was almost two months old, positively ancient, and she would have to replace it soon. She debated whether or not to use it to call him, or to just surprise him. Surprise, she decided. Besides, she was almost there.

She parked her car in front of his house, and checked her makeup in the mirror- it was perfect, as always- and got out of the car. She paused for a moment and adjusted her trench coat, bought just for this purpose on the credit card Travis had given her ("I love you. Please?" Really, he was so easy she didn't really have to charm speak him) and made sure it was done up to the right button, and also undone to the right button, both showing and concealing the perfect amount of skin, and she began walking up the path with a purpose, her high heels clicking with each step. She was going to see him, the man who was her one true love, and this time she meant it. Mostly. She stepped up the porch and rang the doorbell.

She adjusted her hair as she waited. It wasn't long before he was there, standing in the doorway. "Uh, Drew. What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't stay away, Chris," she said breathily. "I needed to be with you again."

"Uh, now?"

"Sometimes these things are bigger than both of us," she said, unbuttoning her coat. "Now, shall we go inside, or stay out here, like the last time?" She opened her coat. She was wearing a corset and garter arrangement. Mummy had always told her the classic look was best.

His eyes bugged out of his head, and he seemed to have lost he power of speech, which was good, but he seemed to be holding back, which she could not quite understand. He hadn't the last time. It was then she noticed some movement behind him.

"Oh," she said. "Clarisse. What are you doing here?" She said it like she was defending her territory.

"I live here," Clarisse said coldly as she stepped between Drew and Chris. She folded her arms across her chest and faced Drew squarely. Was that her sword hanging off her belt?

"Live here?" said Drew, hoping she didn't squeak as she said it. She did.

"Live here," said Clarisse.

"With him?" Her pitch was climbing.

"With him. Seeing as I'm his _wife_."

"Wife?" Drew squeaked.

"Wife," repeated Clarisse.

"Oh," said Drew. Suddenly, she felt very exposed with her coat wide open. She closed it quickly and began doing up the buttons- all of them- again. "I, um, guess I should go."

"Yes," said Clarisse. "Go. I'll deal with you soon, but, for now, I'd like to have a word with _my_ husband." With that, Clarisse closed the door.

Drew could hear Chris speaking inside. "In my defense, I only cheated on you because I thought you would never find out." His word were followed by a thunk, followed by a gurgling noise.

_I think I'd better go now_, thought Drew as she turned and raced for her car. _Thank the gods Travis stole enough money for me to get a _sports_ car_. As the engine roared into life, Drew wondered what Clarisse had meant by 'deal with' and 'soon'. She floored the gas and sped out of there.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

1.

Apollo decided a feast was a good time to broach a subject with Hades that he had thought about for a long time. "Is it true," he began. "That you were a virgin until you raped Persephone?"

Hades began to reply, but a food fight was occurring between the lesser gods at the next table down from the twelve great Olympians. Hestia tried to restore order, only to get plastered in Ambrosia herself. Zeus leaped upon the head table itself and began hurling lightning bolts at the minor gods, shouting that he would carve the words "smite me" into their foreheads as a reminder to do exactly that for the next thousand years if they did not start behaving. Dionysius, thinking the gods distracted by the antics of the lesser deities, surreptitiously turned his Coke into wine. As he raised it to his lips, a lightning bolt sizzled through the air and struck him square in the mouth. After the smoke had cleared, Dionysius was left with his face black, and his hair standing on end, looking like a mad scientist from an old film, whose experiment had just blown up in his face. He looked over at Zeus who glared at him from the end of the table. He tried to mumble and apology, but his tongue was still in shock from the bolt. Across from him, Ares guffawed.

"Oh yeah!" laughed Ares. "Right in the pie hole! Old Lightning Nuts got you good!" He banged his fist on the table as he laughed, and he was so busy laughing he did not notice the tendrils and vines creeping around him and pulling him down until it was too late. "Hey, what the...?" he cried. he reached for his sword, only to find his arm was stuck to his side. He glared at Dionysius, who looked merely irritated. "Let me go or I'll..." the rest was cut off as vines began to cover his mouth.

Dionysius reached across the table and took Ares napkin. "May I?" he asked. he leaned back into his chair without waiting for a reply and began wiping his face as Ares disappeared from view.

Apollo casually regarded the mass of writhing vines that covered Ares, plucked a grape from one, popped it in his mouth, and said to Hades: "You were saying?"

Hades gave Apollo a look od dignified effrontery. "First things first," he said. "I did not 'rape' Persephone or anyone else. I wooed her, according to my ways, after Aphrodite and her pest son conspired to make me fall madly in love with her."

Apollo nodded. "I'd heard that, but why did they want to do that to you?"

"For some reason, the Goddess of All Things Blonde decided it was an insult to her dignity, and a rebellion against her power, that I, like Hestia, or Athena, or Artemis, should not wish to involve myself with the petty and often tedious trappings of what she calls 'love'," Hades began. "She could not understand why I did not seek out women and seduce them at every turn as did every other god, and therefore she believed that I was disrespectful of her authority, rather than believing that, perhaps, I was stuck in the underworld by decree of my powerful yet not so smart brother, and could not find many goddesses down there. So, believing herself to somehow be wronged by me, she sent her son, the winged pest Eros, to strike me with one of his golden arrows. Fortunately, he also struck Persephone with one as well, thus avoiding the rather unfortunate situation of you and Daphne."

"Tell me about it," said Apollo. "I still think about her. I even wrote a Limerick about it a few years back, want to hear it? "

"No," said Hades, with the finality of the tomb.

"Oh," said Apollo, crestfallen. "But, still, it is true you were a virgin until you were with Persephone."

"Do try to keep up, Apollo," said Hades. "I believe I just said I had been forced to take care of the underworld by my brother, and, as you can surely imagine, not too many goddesses would be impressed with pickup lines such as 'wanna come see my crypt, baby?' or 'Would you like to visit my dank, dark, and foul domain.'"

"But Persephone did," said Apollo.

"Yes, well, Persephone is rather, ah, _unique_." Hades drank a little from his cup. Dionysius, who had finally wiped the soot off his face, watched him drink, a wistful expression on his face. "But, prior to Persephone, and before I was allotted my kingdom, you must remember that, on the day I was born, my mother Rhea presented me to my father Kronos, who ate me, and I spent the next millennia in his belly. The chances of dating were few and far between."

"Well, there was Hera, Demeter, Hestia..."

"Ah yes, my sisters and Poseidon and myself, all crowded into my father's belly, packed so tightly none of us could move. What a pleasant time that was. Hera kept complaining that being swallowed was utterly beneath her dignity. Hestia kept saying things like 'in a real family we would be gathered around the fire telling stories and singing songs and Daddy wouldn't eat anybody' over and over and over. Demeter became convinced that we would be freed if only Kronos had a large enough bowel movement, and went on and on and on about how, if only father would eat more fiber and less children, we would all be free. Her other ideas for getting free were depressingly stupid, including the time she said, and I quote: 'we should all just run around in here until we're all pooped out.' Poseidon would announce every ten minutes or so that, if he ever got out of there, he would have a bath, a very big bath, the biggest and longest bath in the history of the world. Fond memories of good times." Hades took a drink from his cup.

"What about you? asked Apollo. "What did you do while they were doing that?"

"Nothing," answered Hades.

"Nothing?" asked Apollo.

"Nothing," Hades repeated. "I just kept wishing I were dead. Alas, no such luck."

"Wow," said Apollo. "That's sad. But you feel better now, right?"

"Oh yes," drawled Hades, his voice thick with sarcasm. "So very much. I've gone from being in a warm, damp smelly place packed with five people to a cold, damp smelly place. crammed with millions. Life is so much better now."

"What about Persephone?" asked Apollo. "Doesn't she make you feel good to be alive?"

Hades gave Apollo a look of complete disdain. "Do you need a Q-tip?" he asked.

**2. Meanwhile...**

_Six beers later_...

The bar had become more crowded. Some of the party ponies had shown up, and were comparing tattoos. A few more satyrs were wandering around, eating empty beer cans, and raising the ire of the landlord. "Hey!" he growled. "I get a deposit on that." Some giants had shown up and were drinking beer by the kegs. Percy thought they looked a little familiar, not as if he had seen them, but had seen someone an awful lot like them. Then he realized Grover was still talking.

"If we can't go on a cruise," said Grover. "Let's go on a hike."

"A hike?" repeated Percy.

"It's perfect," said Grover. "We'll be outside, communing with nature. What could be better?"

"I dunno," said Travis. "Anything?"

"It's perfect," said Grover. "It will give us time to refresh and revitalize our spirits. Forget our troubles. get back to basics." He rummaged through his pockets. "Look here," he said, pulling out a small leather pouch. "I got my darts. On the wall right there beside our table is an amazingly conveniently placed map of the greater tri-state area. I throw a dart at the map, and where it hits, that's where we go." He pulled up a dart, and started to wind up ridiculously.

"Grover, no," said Percy. "It's a bad idea. It's crowded in here and..." Grover threw his dart.

As it happened, just as he threw, one of the new giants was passing between their table and the map on the wall. The dart struck him in the chest. "Hey! What the...?" said the giant. Then he disintegrated in a huge puff of dust.

The bar went deadly silent. Percy heard a voice in the background say: "That satyr killed Billy Bubba Bo Bob!" The Dryads vanished with a pop. The party ponies stared at the spot where the giant had been. One of them checked his watch. "Holy cow, look at the time!" he said. Then they all rushed out. There was a lot of crashing noises as they left the building. Within seconds, the only beings left in the bar were monsters, and Grover, Travis and Percy, and the monsters weren't too happy.

Neither was Percy. "Grover," said Percy, rubbing his temples. "Why on earth did you bring a set of darts made of celestial bronze here, of all possible places?"

Grover was pale and trembling from head to foot. So shaken was he, he lost his appetite for aluminum. "I had them made for when we went to human pubs, and you know my aim isn't so good there and I kept hitting people..."

"We know," added Travis, rubbing the back of his head as though he could still feel it. "Who thought having a bunch of drunks throwing pointy things in a crowded room would make a great game?"

"I think it was the Irish," said Grover. "Anyway, I use these because they don't hurt people."

"I see," said Percy. "And the regular darts, which don't hurt monsters...?"

"I guess I forgot to bring them."

"Perfect," said Percy. "Just perfect." He stood up and threw a handful of gold coins on the table. "It's been a slice, " he announced loudly. "But I guess my friends and I will be going now."

"Not so fast," said the biggest and the ugliest of the big, ugly giants. "He killed our brother."

"He'll get over it," said Percy. "I'll even send a get well card to Tartarus, if it'll make you feel any better."

"Not good enough! We'll eat you and your friends and kill you for what you did to Billy Bubba Bo Bob!"

"I think they got the order backwards," said Grover to Travis. "He should have said 'kill you and eat you' instead."

"No, I think they meant it that way," said Travis.

"We don't want any trouble," said Percy. "This is neutral ground, so if you'll just stop blocking the exits and let us out, we'll be on our way."

"It was neutral ground, until you lot killed our brother. Have you any idea who we are?"

"I've faced you guys before," said Percy. "You're Lastrygonians."

"Insult!" roared the Big Ugly. "First you treacherously kill our brother in neutral ground, then you call us Lastrygonians? They are wimps to us! We are much stronger than them! We are Firstrygonians, fool, and you shall pay for this indignity!" Big ugly turned to the remaining patrons of the bar. "Any of you lot want a piece of these guys, too?"

The minotaur spoke first. "He killed me five times," he bellowed.

"Six," muttered Percy under his breath.

",,,and sold various body parts on E-bay!"

"It was nothing personal, and you're altogether now," Percy explained.

"He killed me too!" shouted another.

"And me! Seven times!"

"He killed my whole family! Including my wee baby! The little bairn only ate one village! That weren't no reason to run him through!"

The shouting continued growing in volume. Percy whispered out of the side of his mouth to his friends: "This looks ugly. Is there another way out of here?"

"None. "

"Oh no," said Grover. 'This is terrible! It's all my fault. What will Annabeth do to me if you don't survive?"

"What should we do?" said Travis. "We need a plan, quick."

"Feed them Grover? He's the one who started this. They can eat and kill him."

"You can't!" said Grover. "We're still connected. I die, so do you."

"But that means I would live, right?" said Travis hopefully.

"No, I'd kill you myself first. We need a better plan," said Percy thinking. "Okay, here's the best I got. On three, Grover: you pass out..."

"I can do that," said Grover.

"...and Travis, you run around screaming like a little girl."

"Got that," said Travis.

"But Percy, you've never faced this many monsters at once by yourself before. This is the most dangerous challenge you've yet faced."

The monsters had been arguing over who would kill Percy first, but the argument stopped, as all decided they would rush him together. "Meh," said Percy."It's one way of getting out of changing diapers." Percy uncapped his pen. "On three, then. One, two three."

_Forty five seconds and one garbled phone call later. _

"I really hate the way their dust gets into everything," said Percy, slapping the dust off his pants. "On your clothes, your hair, your eyes, up your nose... Travis, you can stop now."

Travis looked around, and saw an now empty, dusty bar. "Oh wow," he said, breathless from his running and screaming. "We're... not dead. That's a good thing."

"Yeah, fantastic," said Percy, putting the cap back on his sword. "Who was that phone call from?"

Travis pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "I don't know," he said. "With everything going on, I didn't have time to check ID before I answered. It was... Oh no! It was Drew! Drew called and I missed it!" He began dialing frantically.,

While Travis was on the phone, Percy went through the bar, until he found Grover snoring lightly on the floor. "Any idea how to wake him up?" he called out to Travis.

"Nuts, no answer," said Travis. "Uh, throw water on his face?"

"I think water is the only drinkable liquid that is not in this bar," said Percy.

"What about American beer? It's close to water."

"Not close enough." Percy regarded Grover. "He's gained weight. Carrying him wouldn't be fun."

"What about hitting him in the face?" said Travis. He started dialing on his phone again. "That's what they do in the movies when someone faints."

"I can do that," said Percy brightly. He hauled Grover up by the front of his shirt, and began hitting him hard in the face.

"Um, Percy?"

"Yeah, Travis?"

"In the movies, they use an open hand."

"Oh, right," said Percy. He began slapping Grover in the face, his hand making a sound like a gunshot every time he connected. Grover stirred.

"Don't eat me!" cried Grover. "Don't eat... oh it's you. Did the fight go well? Please stop hitting me."

Percy let him go, Grover staggered around unbalanced, holding his head. "If it didn't go well, it would not have been me hitting you."

"What happened?" said Grover. "I feel like someone has been pounding my head. I think my nose is broken."

"Someone must have... stepped on you, in all the confusion." offered Percy.

"Still no answer. We have to go. Drew could be in real trouble. I...uh, guys," said Travis, looking around the bar, and getting nervous. "is the monster dust supposed to be gathering together right now?"

"No," said Percy. "They should be dead for a while."

"They're reforming _now_," said Travis. He pointed around the bar. Everywhere dust was being carried by little whirlwinds, which gathered more dust, and still more.

"Oh no," said Grover.

"How bad is this?" asked Travis.

"This only happens when something real evil is awakening, and summoning the monsters to join its forces." said Percy. "We need to get out of here now, warn the others, consult the oracle."

"But we haven't had time to rob the dead yet," objected Travis, "They might have something Drew would like."

"No time," said Percy. "Let's go, now." The three of them ran from the bar.

Outside, they squinted in the sunlight as their eyes adjusted. Travis' was the only car in the parking lot.

"Ah, man," said Travis. "What happened to my ride?"

Percy surveyed the wrecked. He recognized the kind of dents and dings that dotted the car. "Looks like the Party Ponies trampled it when they ran out of the bar. I told you not to park so close to the exit."

"But the car was brand new!" shouted Travis. "I only stole it last week! Now I won't be able to get to Drew in time."

Inside the bar they heard a terrible roar, followed my many growls and shouts. "No time to worry about that now, " said Percy. "Grover, it looks like we're about to take that hike of yours right now. Lead the way."

"The woods over there look good," he said. They headed across the parking lot and across a field. On the other side of the field was the edge of a forest. They ran for all they were worth.

**3. Meanwhile...**

Drew had been driving erratically, even for her, switching directions and doubling back frequently, often coming close to crashing into people, cars, trucks and buses as she was spending more time checking her rear view mirror than watching where she was actually going. She was convinced Clarisse was after her.

This isn't fair! It's not my fault! she kept thinking. Chris never mentioned he was married, but of course he just had to be married. Of course he would be. He was just too good, too perfect. What a shame. Drew never fooled around with married men. Except that once. Twice. Three times. No. That third time didn't count: he had been a widower, and would have remained so, had those pesky paramedics not been so darn persistent. So obviously this whole mess was entirely Not Her Fault. But how could she explain that to Clarisse? Her powers of persuasion did not work too well on people who were full of rage. In fact, it often backfired. Drew hit the gas.

Then she came to a crashing halt. Traffic had come to a sudden halt. No one was moving at all. In her rear view mirror, she saw traffic pile up and stop behind her. In the distance she saw flashing lights, ambulances and police cars. There was an accident up ahead, and the highway was closed. Of course; she course.

If Clarisse was after her, Drew knew she was a sitting duck. On the other hand, she wasn't likely to do anything with this many witnesses. Or did the Mist work out here too? Some demigods could manipulate it, but Drew had not paid attention in that class, preferring to trust in her Charmspeak. Drat. She needed help, fast. Who would come running to her aid no matter what? Who was that desperate?

She reached for her cell phone, and quickly dialed Travis' number. He picked up on the second ring. He appeared to be in a very loud place, and she could barely hear him over the noise. "HELLO?" roared Travis into the phone.

"Travis, it's me, Drew," she began. "I need..."

"HELLO?" roared Travis again. "IS THERE ANYBODY THERE?"

"Travis?" she began. she put some of her special emphasis on her words. Not that she needed to use her charms with him, but she wanted to make sure he came running, fast. "It's me, Drew. I need your help."

"HELLO?" said Travis. "HELLO?"

"TRAVIS!" she shouted. "I NEED YOUR HELP!"

"WHAT?" shouted Travis. "WHO IS THIS?"

"IT'S ME. DREW." She was getting desperate. "I NEED YOU TRAVIS. I NEED YOU..."

There was a surge in noise on Travis' end of the line, like the sound of many things breaking. she heard another voice on the phone, someone yelling at Travis. "Travis, stick to the plan! Less talking, more screaming!" Travis answered: "Right, Percy."

Percy? as in Percy Jackson? thought Drew. Percy Jackson, who had beaten Kronos and a thousand other monsters, but most of all, had defeated Clarisse on several occasions? "TRAVIS!" she shouted. "I NEED YOU. I AM IN DANGER. BRING PERCY. BRING PERCY..."

"SORRY, WHOEVER THIS IS, BUT I CAN'T HEAR YOU." Travis shouted down the line. "WE'RE REALLY BUSY RIGHT NOW. CALL BACK LATER. AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!"

"TRAVIS, NO!" she pleaded. She put all the force she had into her words. "HELP ME TRAVIS! I...LOVE YOU. I LOVE..." The phone went dead. What was that noise, and why was Travis screaming? If anything happened to him, and he didn't bring Percy, she was in real trouble. Of course the one guy who could save her would be caught up in a brawl somewhere. Of couse.

She put her phone into her bag. She knew cell phone drew monsters to half-bloods, but she had been more afraid of Clarisse than any monster right now. She took a deep breath, adn tried to push her panic down with a few reassuring thoughts. She realized she had just put a big sign saying "HALFBLOOD RIGHT HERE", but she trusted that the monsters would not try anything in a traffic jam of this size. They tended to stay in out of the way places, not huge crowds like this. Even Clarisse wqould hesitate to atack in front of a crowd this size. ANd the traffic would hold her up as well as Drew. Drew thought she should be safe for a few moments, at least. Long enough to come up with a better plan.

Then a set of giant bronze claws ripped through the roof of her and peeled it off like a sardine can. Of course, thought Drew. Of course.


	3. Chapter 3

Now, gentle and scarce reader, you are probably wondering what Hades meant in the last chapter when he said that he wooed Persephone according to his ways. As fate would have it, at that very moment, Persephone was down at the goddesses' end of the table, discussing exactly that.

It began with Artemis. "I pity you," she said to Persephone. "It is bad enough that so many maidens are duped into …" she searched for a word to express her disgust "...relationships with gods and men, but to be carried off against your will by the old Maggot Farmer himself... " She shuddered at the thought.

"Oh no," said Persephone. "No no no no no. You have it all wrong. He's really very sweet. You just have to get to know him."

"I do not share Artemis' hatred of men," said Athena. "But even I cannot defend his actions. He carried you off in a chariot and raped you."

"That's not true!" said Persephone. "That was just a rumour spread by my mother. We had both been hit by Eros' arrows, and our love could not be denied. He spent a long time courting me, writing me little love letters."

'Love letters? From Hades?" said Artemis.

"Oh yes, lots," said Persephone. "I kept them all. Look here," she stretched her hand into thin air, and drew a small package out of the nothingness. "Here they are. Read this one. You'll see how wrong you are." She handed the top one to Athena and Artemis. Athena looked at it like she was looking at a slug, and Artemis took it uncertainly. They were both torn between feelings of "Old Maggot Breath wrote a love letter? Now this I got to see" and "Something touched by Hades? Eugh!"

"Is that human skin?" asked Athena.

"Of course," said Persephone, rolling her eyes. "It's not like there's a lot of paper down in the underworld."

Artemis unfolded the letter and read.

"Dear Persephone,

It seems the winged pest has decided to inflict his 'blessings' upon you and I both. At least I find your presence less irksome than the other Olympians, except Athena. Meet me on the meadow so that we can enter my domain together, and be my wife while I plot my revenge, and figure out a way to take one of his arrows and shove it where the sun never shines, and I do not mean in my realm.

respectfully,

Hades."

Athena steadied herself against the table, and fanned her face with her free hand. "Something wrong?" asked Artemis.

"It's nothing," said Athena. "I know now what humans mean by the phrase 'dodged a bullet.'"

"Do you see now?" asked Persephone.

"See what?" asked Artemis.

"See what a sweetheart my little Hade-wades is? Look, he even drew little happy faces all over the letter . See their smiles? They're smiling so much you can see all their teeth."

"Persephone," said Athena in a voice filled with forced patience and a suggestion of gritted teeth and exasperation. "Those are skulls."

2. Meanwhile...

Drew sat in the nest atop a skyscraper in downtown Manhattan. Instead of the usual twigs and leaves, this one was made out of twisted steel girders and lines with insulation, the detritus of the city. There were also a fair few bones and skulls littering the floor. Not surprisingly, it also stank very, very badly. I'll have to burn my clothes if I ever get out of this, she thought Pity, they were some of my favourites.

Drew could not believe she was in this mess. She was a demigod, a hero, darn it! What would the other heroes do? Percy Jackson would draw his sword and charge into battle. She, on the other hand, did not even have a sword. She did, however, have her wits and her charmspeak. She would have to get out of this mess like a true daughter of Aphrodite, or at least delay until help could arrive, with swords. She spotted her cell phone nearby. It attracted monsters, but that wasn't really the problem right now, was it?

Before she could dial a number, a shadow crossed over her, and with a great flapping of wings, her captor alighted on the edge of the nest. She had the head of a woman, the body of lion and the wings of an eagle. "Are you ready for your riddle?" asked the Sphinx.

Drew looked the sphinx in the eyes. "Is the answer 'Man'?" she asked, starting with just a touch of her persuasion.

"You didn't even wait to be asked!" roared the sphinx. She clawed the ground with her paws. "Who told you the answer?"

"Does that mean you're not going to eat me?" asked Drew.

"No, I'll still eat you! It just won't be so much fun! Now answer the question!"

You only have the one riddle, thought Drew. Outwardly, she said: "Aren't men just the biggest riddle of all?"

'What do you mean?" said the sphinx.

"I mean," Drew began, putting a little push into her words, her hands in her pockets as she began fumbling with her cell phone. Fortunately, she could touch text, and the abbreviations of texting actually made it easier for her to overcome her dyslexia. "..aren't males just the most confusing and ridiculous little things you ever saw?"

The sphinx humphed and sat down in the nest beside Drew. "Tell me about it. Do you know how hard it is for a Lady sphinx like me to get a mate? They all think we kill and eat them rate after the mating ritual is complete."

"Do you?" asked Drew.

"Yes, but that is not the point!" said the sphinx. "They should be happy to live on in their children! We are an ancient and noble species! It is an honour to sire a sphinx! My last mate thought I didn't love him just because I was going to rip his head off and then eat his liver." The sphinx was picking up momentum. "Is it not love to raise your man's children, to honour his memory properly, alone in this cruel, harsh world. Did he not understand how lonely it can be, but our children in the womb need his blood to feed and grow." She sighed. "Now they all run from me, my children are all grown and gone, and I grow old and weary. It is hard to keep chasing a mate."

"You have it all backward," said Drew. She almost felt sorry for the monster in front of her. She was at a hard part in her message. How did you spell 'sphinx'? There was no abbreviation that she knew of. She gave it her best shot. "Men are supposed to chase you, because they want you. Not the other way around." She hit send.

"How can I make a male chase me?" asked the sphinx, both hopeful and dejected at the same time.

Drew looked at the sphinx appraisingly. So far so good. But what would mother do? "Let's start with your hair," she said at last.

3. Meanwhile

Percy, Grover and Travis were making their way across yet another farmer's field. Percy and Travis were feeling tired and miserable. Grover was feeling close to nature.

"Ah, smell that," he said, inhaling deeply.

Percy had been trying to avoid inhaling for the last three or four fields. "All I can smell is manure," he grumbled.

"Exactly," said Grover. "Nothing like the smell of feces to put one's problems into their proper perspective."

Percy grumbled something and kept on walking. Travis was lagging behind. "Put that away, Travis," said Percy irritably, without turning around.

Travis hastily put away his cell phone. "I wasn't doing anything!" protested Travis.

"Yeah, right," said Percy. "You summon another batch of monsters on us and I will take that phone and shove it up your..."

"You two are too uptight," said Grover. "Look at us. We're out here in the Great Outdoors. We should be enjoying ourselves, not bickering over some technology. Let's try something. You ever play the game where you look at the clouds and try and see what they look like?"

"Monsters are reforming quickly, we probably have a few behind us, and you want to play a game I haven't played since I was five?" Percy asked.

"Then it's time. Do you see those clouds over there that look like a mother duck leading her chicks?" said Grover. 'What do you see when you look at it?"

"You mean the puff ball with a couple other puff balls behind it?" asked Percy.

"Or that one over there," said Grover,. "I see a galloping horse. Do you see it?"

"Not really." said Percy.

"C'mon, give it a try, Percy. Trust me."

Percy looked up at the sky. Travis' phone rang.

"What about that group over there?" asked Percy drily. "The one that looks like a bunch of angry giants coming down to eat us. What do they look like to you?"

Grover swallowed. "They look like a group of angry giants coming down to eat us."

Percy glared at Travis, who spread his hands in a not-my-fault kind of way. "What's the plan?" asked Travis. "Same as before?"

"Yeah, you scream, Grover, you faint. Wish there was some water around. I am starting to feel a little weak."

"I'll look for water!" said Grover, and he began to trot off, but stopped almost immediately. The giants had them surrounded. They pointed and laughed at the three. Others began reaching into bags they had slung over their shoulders and pulling out bronze orbs. A few wer carrying huge clubs, and gave them a few test swings, just to loosen up the muscles.

"Fresh meat!" said the largest and ugliest of the group. It seemed to Percy the giants must have had a checklist when choosing their leaders. 'Let's see: Big? check. Ugly? check. Congratulations! You got the job!' "Don't move and it will be less painful. How do you want to be cooked?"

"I'll try talking, but get ready," said Percy to Travis and Grover. To the giants he said: "Is there any need to eat us? Can't humans and Lastrygonians just be friends?"

If he had been hoping to calm them down, he had chosen the wrong words. 'Insult!" roared the big ugly. "You dare call us Lastrygonian! They are our enemies! We hate Lastrygonians!"

"Um, Firstrygonians?" asked Percy.

"Another insult!" roared the big ugly. "Worse than the first! We are the Inbetweenygonians, and for your insults, we shall not bother to kill you before we eat you!"

"Negotiations aren't going well," said Travis. "There's some water around Grover's feet you could stand in if you need strength."

"No thanks," said Percy. "I think I can handle one more fight, at least, without having to stand in Grover's urine..

"On three, then?" asked Travis.

"On three," sighed Percy, uncapping his pen. "One, two, three..."

Thirty seconds later.

"That's that," said Percy, capping his sword. "Stop screaming and wake Grover up."

Grover pushed himself up to his elbows. "Foooood," he said groggily. "I need food. Anybody have any tin?"

"You ate my last can a couple of hours ago," said Travis, holding out his hand to help Grover to his hooves.

"Could I have a nibble of your cell phone, then?" asked Grover pleadingly, taking Travis' hand.

"My cell phone!" said Travis. He immediately let go of Grover's hand, and Grover fell back to the ground. Travis pulled out his cellphone. "It was a message from Drew!" he cried.

"What did she say?" asked Percy as he helped Grover to his feet.

"Her message says: 'Hlp hlp. Ive bin cot by a spink.'"

"What does that mean?" asked Grover.

"It means she's been caught by a Spink," said Travis.

"What's a Spink?" asked Percy.

"I dunno. Something that caught her." said Travis.

Grover rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "There was a Leon Spinks back in the seventies who beat Muhammed Ali," he said.

"Sounds tough," said Percy.

"Not really," said Grover. "Ali was past his prime, and he still pummeled Spinks in the rematch."

"So an aging ex boxer has my girlfriend?" asked Travis.

Percy sighed: "One: she's not your girlfriend, and Two: unlikely. He'd be too old now."

"What if he had a son or something?" asked Travis, desperate.

"Grover, what do you think?" asked Percy

"Possible, I suppose," said Grover. "Maybe it's something else. Something we haven't seen before."

"Like what?" said Travis.

"I'm not sure," said Grover. "It could be... anything."

"Not to be rude, but the Inbetweenygonians are starting to reform. We need to get going." said Percy. "And one more thing." he took Travis' cell phone and tossed it to Grover. "Chow down, dude," he said.

"Hey, that was mine! I stole it fair and square," said Travis.

"I know," said Percy. "And now I've stolen it, fair and square. Now let's get going. We've got to reach New York as soon as possible, and find why the monsters are reforming this time."

"But Drew's been captured by a Spink!" said Travis. "We've got to do something!"

"I'm open to suggestions," said Percy. "Actually, no I'm not. Monsters reforming beats out Drew. She'll have to take care of herself for the moment. Now let's go." With that, they set off as quickly as they could across the field, and the one after that, and the one after that.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

_This will be the last chapter, as I am planning on euthanizing the story after this, due to lack of interest. I'll give a quick synopsis at the end for anyone who cared enough to reach it. _

1.

Aphrodite picked disinterestedly at her ambrosia, sipped her nectar without really tasting it, and occasionally heaved a languid sigh. When that failed to attract attention, she heaved another, then another. Finally Athena, who was afraid that, should Aphrodite heave her ample bosom again for yet another, even greater, sigh, it would overturn the table, spoke up: "Something wrong, 'phro?"

"Oh, it's just the world, the world," languished Aphrodite.

"What about it?" asked Athena.

"What about it?" repeated Aphrodite. "Have you looked at it lately?"

Athena glanced out the nearest window. To her steely grey eyes, nothing seemed to have changed much. "It seems fine to me," she said.

"Fine?" demanded Aphrodite. "Fine? Look at it! People are out there, just having sex and sex and sex and sex..."

"We get the picture," interrupted Artemis.

"Indeed," said Athena. "But why should that bother you? Isn't that your thing?"

"_My_ thing?" said Aphrodite. "Oh no. No no no no no. This most definitely is not my 'thing'."

Artemis and Athena exchanged confused glances, like they both expected to hear the Twilight Zone theme start up any second. "But that's what you _do_," said Artemis. "You're always out there having sex and sex and sex and sex..."

"Artie, sweetie pie, you're a virgin, so I don't expect you to understand," said Aphrodite.

"Enlighten both us virgins, then," said Athena coldly.

Aphrodite began speaking as though she were talking to a pair of three year olds. "People shouldn't 'just' have _sex_ with _anyone_," said Aphrodite, making full use of quotation marks and italics.

"I'm still not getting it," said Artemis. "I thought you 'just did it,' as you say, yourself."

"Oh no," said Aphrodite. "No, I _never _'just do it.' I am the Goddess of Love, dearest, not the Goddess of an Itch that Needs to be Scratched. I love everyone with whom I lie. I am sharing love, spreading it around. But nowadays, people just do it, for no reason whatsoever. That's what's wrong with the world today. Where's the love, the tenderness? Where's the commitment, and the broken hearts? No one commits suicide for love anymore. Humans don't know what love truly means anymore. It's horrible." She heaved another sighed. Athena reflexively grabbed the table, so Aphrodite only managed to overturn a jug of Ambrosia. " They don't know what beauty is, either. Look at their world. It's ugly. Ugly buildings. ugly cars. They even think that tramp Kim Kardashian is beautiful. People call her the Goddess of Love now. Do you know how many men make me look like her? As if she could compare to my true beauty. You'd think any male with common sense would think there aren't enough antibiotics on the continent to cover the risk of going anywhere near Kim Kardashian."

"Did I hear someone mention Kim Kardashian?" asked Apollo from down the table.

"Yes, I was just saying that people down on earth are thinking that she is so beautiful..." began Aphrodite.

"Damn straight she is," said Apollo. "She is smokin' hot."

"Who?" asked Hermes, just noticing the conversation. The other gods were turning their heads in the direction of the conversation, listening in.

"Kim Kardashian," said Apollo.

"Oh yeah," said Hermes, nodding vigorously. "She sure is. I 've visited her two... three times now."

"Same here," said Apollo.

"I've been four," said Ares. Aphrodite glared at her lover.

"Five for me," said Hephaestos. Aphrodite glared at her husband.

"Did she do that thing with her tongue?" asked Ares.

"Hell yeah." Ares and Hephaestos started laughing. Ares high fived Hephaestos. Took the high five, then the two realized what they had just done. Ares began wiping his hand on his leg, as though trying to clean his hand. Hephaestos glared at his hand as though he had never seen it before. Then his hand burst into flames.

"What's this? What's this?" said Zeus, the last of the gods to join in. "What are you talking about?"

"Kim Kardashian," said the gods together.

"Ah, yes," said Zeus. His eyes grew misty and a fond smile played upon his lips as he retreated into a sweet memory. "I've appeared to her as an entire basketball team."

"One at a time, or all at once?" asked Hades.

"That's a bit of a long story," said Zeus. "It all began when..."

Hera suddenly stood upright an glared coldly at the gods. "You men should all be ashamed of yourselves. And as for you," she said, turning to Zeus. "Don't you _dare _come near me until you've washed thrice in the river Javex." She turned and swept imperiously from the banquet hall.

"What did I do?" asked Zeus, as she retreated.

"She's still a little miffed with the whole cheating on her thing, Dad," explained Hephaestos.

"On the other hand, she said she would not come near you until you bathed," offered Hermes.

"Did she?" mused Zeus, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "In that case, I may never wash again."

2. Meanwhile.

Percy was speaking rapidly into the phone. "It's a long story," he said. "It began with the three of us enjoying some quality time together... alright, yes, we were in a bar... Yes, that bar... Well, anyway, Grover threw a dart and accidentally hit a Firstrygonian... a Firstrygonian... I don't know, like a Lastrygonian, only sooner. Or later. At any rate, we had this fight... no, with the Firstrygonians... and then we had to make a run for it, but Travis kept using his cell phone so more of, y'know, those guys kept coming after us. So we had a run in with some Inbetweentryonians, then some Penultimatetrygonians... who are not to be confused with the Nexttolastrygonians... How would I know? I guess pa Trygonian got around a lot... could you stop asking so many questions? This is the only call I get. I don't know how long it lasts," he covered the mouthpiece to the phone and addressed the police officer sitting close by, reading a newspaper. "How long do I have on the phone?" he asked.

"Take your time," said the officer, turning the page. "It's your call."

Percy nodded and uncovered the mouthpiece. "So, like I was saying... yes dear...yes dear... No, I did not get milk... No, I do not think I will be picking up milk any time soon, either...Anyway, we- and by 'we' I mean Travis- were caught stealing by local constabulary, and because Grover and I weren't carrying any money on us, we were arrested along with Travis on the charge of vagrancy. .. No, seriously. We need to get bailed out. When do you think you can get here? Tomorrow? that's good... oh, you said the day after tomorrow.. or the one after that. That's..." Percy gritted his teeth as he prepared to lie through them. "...just wonderful, honey... I love you, too... a lot. What's that? You have a headache? Oh no. Find some aspirin, quick!...Tylenol, then! … oh for cryin'…. no, I meant that's wonderful. Name them after..." he racked his brain for someone they had not already named a child after. There was nothing . "...after someone close to us both. I got to go now, give the good news to Grover and Travis." He hung up a little more forcefully than he intended, and mumbled all the way back to his cell.

Grover was standing at the bars to his cell. "How did it go?" he demanded souning slightly desperate. "Will she be here tonight?"

"No," Percy said as he stepped into the cell he shared with Travis. The guard closed the door behind him and left.

"Tomorrow, then?" asked Grover, sounding a little desperate.

"I wouldn't count on that," said Percy as he sat down on his bunk.

"Then when?"

"I can't say," said Percy. "What with the twins and all we might be here for some time."

"She just had twins?" said Grover. "As in, right now, while you were talking ont he phone?"

"Yup," said Percy.

"How could you at a time like this?" said Grover. "I'm desperate." He leaned through his bars to get closer to Percy. "Have you seen my cell mate?" he whispered. Percy glanced past Grver at the leather clad hulking figure behind Grover. He wondered if all his tattoos were spelled correctly. "I don't like the way he keeps looking at me. We got to get out of here."

"Not happening," said Percy.

"Why did you have to knock out Travis?" moaned Grover. "He could have picked the lock in five seconds and we would all be free."

"He's less trouble unconscious," said Percy. "How many monsters has he called down on us because he kept trying to call Drew on his cell phone?"

"What about water?" said Grover. "Couldn't you step into the toilet, get wet and get really strong, bend the bars or something?"

Percy glanced over at the toilet in his cell. It apparently hadn't been flushed in weeks. A cloud of flies buzzed happily over it. "That's not going to happen," said Percy.

Just then, Grover's cell mate rose from his bunk and walked over to where Grover was standing by the bars, looming over the satyr. "You remind me of a bitch I used to have, last itme I was in the big house," he said. "He was just lik you, only manlier."

"Perrrrcccyyyy!" wailed Grover. "You've got to get me out of here!"

Percy pulled his pen out of his pocket and started to flip it and catch it in his hand. "Not to worry," said Percy. "Help should be arriving in about five seconds."

"What help?" asked Grover.

"The phone call I made," said Percy. "It was on a cell phone."

Just then, the building shook violently. The rear wall of the cell collapsed into dust, and through the hole in the wall stepped five giants. With a sigh, Percy uncapped his pen.

_So that's where I'm killing it. Clarisse rescues Drew from the Spink, and decides the two of them will join the Amzons. Not the ones that run Amazon, but the wild lesbian cannibal ones who live in the forest. All does ont go as planned. Percy, Groer and Travis fight their way back to New York City and the feast of the gods and discover that the reason why the monsters are coming back to life so quickly is because Charon has begun a work to rule campaign until he gets anew armani. The crisis is averted, the feast ends and the heroes go home. The last line is between Aphrodite and Ares. _

"Can we do something a little different, tonight?" asked Ares, a little pleading in his voice.

"Different can be good," purred Aphrodite. "What did you have in mind, lover?"

"Could you make yourself look like Kim Kardashian?"

The end.


End file.
